


Mayor Hashirama's (attempted) Retirement

by puzzle_shipper



Category: Naruto, Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Humor, M/M, and also typical konoha things, izuna is a lil shit despite multiple warnings, radio host Izuna, typical nightvale things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-02
Updated: 2018-11-02
Packaged: 2019-08-14 16:29:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16496141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/puzzle_shipper/pseuds/puzzle_shipper
Summary: A friendly village community, where the trees are tall and the moon forever omnipresent in the sky…Welcome to Konoha.





	Mayor Hashirama's (attempted) Retirement

**Author's Note:**

  * For [PandaFlower](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PandaFlower/gifts), [Sylencia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sylencia/gifts).



> Title by the lovely PandaFlower
> 
> I can't belive I actually finished this in a reasonable amount of time.

Dear listeners, we start off with the following message. The academy would like to warn people not to use their yard as a shortcut. Their students are armed with knives and will not hesitate to use you as throwing practice. The city council reminds that if you are skewered by a knife, then that’s your own problem. And remember, shrubberies are terrible, terrible shields or hiding spots. And also known to suddenly catch fire. So don’t use them.

And now the news.

Concerned citizens report attacks and lectures by two men in black cloaks with red clouds. They were men and wore black cloaks with red clouds. One of them was yelling something about the 'glory to jashin-sama' whoever that god is, and the other matched the description of escaped fugitive Kakuzu of Taki, who is literally a five-hearted zombie.

Additional reports, dear listeners, confirm that one of them, is the one found under bowling lane five, after the dreaded invasion of the miniature people we thought were there, but it turned out to be only him. The sheriff's secret police were pretty mad that he slipped from their clutches for jaywalking, attempted murder, and some actual murder.

 

This is just in, listeners. Earlier today, after a long and productive career, which included many press conferences throughout the years, mayor Hashirama Senju has decided to retire in favor of Tobirama Senju, you know, the scientist. This all happened at an emergency press conference given by the now ex-mayor, where he dramatically yelled his declaration. The sheriff of the secret police was seen shaking his head and looking skyward for a sign. Or maybe the ladder to his helicopter, as he soon disappeared from the place. Not a trace left from him, or his wild dark hair and long cape. Our new mayor was not present at the conference, so it fell to us, reporters, to inform him of this important decision.

A look at the community calendar.

Monday would be plantless. On Tuesday the sun and moon would be seen at the same time, screaming, as they are wont. No existential dread would be needed for that day. It is better saved for Wednesday. On Thursday it is best not to go to work. And maybe avoid the forest as well. Friday would be nice, maybe a bit too long. But not too much. On Saturday we welcome the plants back in our lives, we welcome them with fresh soil and clean pots, ready to be part with them again. Sunday is howling. This concludes the community calendar.

And now an update on the mayoral situation.

We gathered around Tobirama Senju’s, you know the scientist, lab, where he could be usually found, and with persistent insistence and some losses, managed to disable the traps enough to get to the door and ring the bell.

We waited.

Long we waited but the door finally opened and we saw his gaunt, pale face. His piercing red eyes promised death, the skin around them swollen and dark. The gap in the door was too slight, but we saw his neck and part of his chest was bruised and clawed, like he lost a fight with a wild animal.

Of course all of us had more sense than to tell him that to his face, collectively shuddering almost imperceptibly at what happened the last time someone told him that.

As if knowing exactly what we were thinking, the new mayor smirked just a bit. He still growled with displeasure at us, demanding we leave him alone.

It was our time, listeners. We eagerly and ceremonially informed him of his new position in our city government.

He flinched. And then he scowled. And I admit those are not part of the traditional mayor accepting ceremony. So we figured, huh, maybe he's changing tradition?

You know me I'm all for changing traditions. They're so old, almost as if they've been here forever... There’s no better time to make new ones!

When he muttered 'Oh hell no.' emphatically, and slammed the door in our faces, even more emphatically, we waited.

Maybe he had gone to retrieve his ceremonial mayor acceptance robes so he can perform the ceremonial press conference?

 

We were all quite surprised, listeners, when the sheriff of the secret police landed with his helicopter nearby. He told us all, in a high, shrieking voice, to get the hell off his lawn and went inside the building. We are not sure if he actually lives there or if that’s how he greets people. I saw ex-intern Kagami with him. Oh, I am so proud of him. He made it as part of the sheriff's secret police. To think that our community radio helped him get there, with our extensive preparation and certain life and death situations. Good luck, ex-intern Kagami, good luck!

As I was gushing to anyone nearby, he gave us a polite wave with his hand and whispered for us to skedaddle away.

That’s a funny word, skedaddle. Before we could, however, the new mayor Tobirama Senju, you know, the scientist, burst out from one of the windows and made a mad dash towards the helicopter. The sheriff rolled out of the window as well, yelling shrilly 'Come back! No one's making you be mayor.'

Tobirama started the helicopter and flew away, determinately ignoring what the sheriff screeched after him.

The sheriff however caught the ladder and hung there, yelling profanities until they all disappeared from sight.

 

Dear listeners, I have just been handed this note by the sheriff's secret police. It says the following: "Izuna. Please stop."

The representative gave me a really long suffering look after I just read this out loud to you, listeners. But I am a reporter. I cannot not report. It’s what I do.

 

And now, a word from our sponsors.

Deer. Deer. Are they dear. Dear to you? Deer to you? Or not? You are certainly not dear to the deer.

This message is brought to you by [deer noise].

 

Itama, beautiful Itama and his beautiful two-toned hair, called during the break to inform me that the sheriff's helicopter crash landed near his apartment. He has not called the secret police as the sheriff was right there, along with our new ex-mayor Tobirama Senju, you know, the scientist.

He said that he saw no point in calling the police, as the sheriff drafted him to help contain and prevent Tobirama Senju, you know, the scientist, from becoming a fugitive from the law.

While Itama was still on the phone, I heard Tobirama Senju, you know, the scientist, accuse the sheriff of using underhanded tactics. And that he was a dick.

Everyone knows that the only tactics the sheriff uses are underhanded ones. That’s just common knowledge.

There was more yelling and then the sounds of a short scuffle. Itama narrated me all of this, morbid curiosity tinting his voice and I, dear listeners, was so busy soaking in his amazing voice, that I may have forgotten parts of it. But I do know that ex-mayor Hashirama Senju is going to call an emergency conference in ten minutes to sort out this mess. Or so help the sheriff, he was going to strangle the mayor with his hair.

I'm afraid soon after that the connection broke but intern Ino assures me that they saw our beloved Itama and his beautiful two-toned hair, on the podium of the press conference just now. He appears to be unsure exactly what he's doing there.

But are we all sure what we’re doing here? On this earth? Of course not! If we were then city council would have thrown us in the mountain to feed the fire fox that lives there.

 

And now we go to this pre-recorded message. Curious? Amused? Morbidly curious? Horrifyingly amused? Wishing you could sometimes wash away those feelings so that you could feel new ones, fresher ones? Faber-Castell! Color your sorrows away. Bring light to the dullness of your life.

 

Before I can give you more information about how the press conference went, intern Ino strongly suggested that I share the following hair care tips with you. The tips were coordinated with Itama, just a few minutes ago, at the press conference. Intern Ino excitedly informed me that he even improved some of them. So, without further ado, the tips: Fragrant coconut oil, arganic oil, yogurt, the blood of your enemies, rose petals, a comb made from your enemies’ bones. Suggested improvement – distilled blood of your enemies.

 

And now back to the press conference.

Present were mayor Hashirama Senju, Tobirama Senju, you know, the scientist, representatives from city council, the sheriff and my beloved Itama. No reason was stated for why he was also there but intern Ino suspects that the sheriff used him as a live shield against the still angry Tobirama Senju, you know, the scientist.

This theory is supported by the fact that Itama was placed directly between those two. That, and he thwarted no less than three attempts made by Tobirama Senju, you know, the scientist, to strangle the sheriff.

As the reporters gathered eagerly for news and fresh blood, like a pack of hungry birds which would not be dispersed with only a few stones, the mayor stopped sobbing on his brother’s shoulder, much to everyone’s annoyance, and spoke.

He announced that it was silly of him to make the first proclamation at the previous press conference. He said that through gritted teeth and while throwing pleading glances at one of the city council’s representatives. More specifically the lady with red hair. And not the other one with the bandaged arm hiding many curious eyes, stolen from their still living owners. The hateful scowl on his face was met by the mayor’s equally strong glower when he looked at that representative.

The hidden standoff was broken when beloved Itama threatened to spray them with the pulverizer bottle he was carrying. He did not specify where he had gotten it from but Tobirama Senju, you know the scientist, asked him suspiciously if he had gotten it from his lab. Naturally no one wanted to be sprayed, if that was the case.

The mayor hurried with his statement. He announced, that he planned to retire in the relatively near future, still undecided on when exactly. And that he planned to pursue his hobby - cooking. As reporters shared horrified and hidden looks, the mayor continued explaining with great exuberance what recipes he would like to use. He mentioned that he would be very happy if everyone would come over then, to try his delicious food.

I remind everyone that the mayor's cooking is nigh inedible, causes calamities, and was classified as a dangerous health hazard by the city council. We have not yet heard the report from Tobirama Senju, you know the scientist, regarding the last dish the mayor made, which gained sentience and terrorized the village until it was contained. But not defeated.

In a show of solidarity, a representative from Teuchi's Ramen Place, appeared and shared a message from Teuchi himself. It read the following: Teuchi's Ramen Place would be happy to accept mayor Hashirama Senju in their newly created experimental tastes department, when he decides to retire.

The mayor wept with joy and cried all over the representative's shirt. He was then scolded by his brother for making the stage of the press conference unstable, as its wood had begun growing leaves.

There was a coughed snide comment from the bandaged city council representative which the rest of us were not privy to, however he suddenly found himself losing his balance and tumbling comically off the platform. The following scuffle between the two city council members surprised no one and- oh, apologies listeners, it appears intern Ino has some very important news to share with me. She is gesturing wildly at me and using sign language, as well as morse code. She has just put up a hand written sign, with what appears to be one of her make up bottles, and it says with big block letters S H U T U P exclamation point. Huh. Apologies listeners. Now would be best for you to forget any and all descriptions of the city council I have ever given you. Otherwise, you might not be safe and it would be best to run now. Or never again.

And now… I give you the weather.

 

I am back, dear listeners. Thanks to intern Ino’s timely interference I narrowly avoided a far too close encounter with one of the city council’s creepy, dead eyed children. Unfortunately, intern Ino was wounded trying to protect me. Thankfully for her, she is psychic, due to her inborn powers, and was therefore prepared for that. She has assured me that she will make a full recovery.

After the catfight between the two city council representatives, which none of us are allowed to discuss or know about, despite the fact that it happened in front of many witnesses, the press conference was pretty much declared over. We still did not receive a concrete date for the retirement and when the new mayoral elections would be held. As you know, then we will all go cast our votes, which are completely meaningless as the mayor is chosen by the great fire fox that lives in the hokage mountain.

Meanwhile I also checked on Itama to make sure he was no longer used as a living shield to protect my bro- I mean, the sheriff. I expressed to ex-intern Kagami how sad and disappointed I would be if anything were to happen to my beloved Itama while he was assisting with the mayoral case. Ex-intern Kagami hurriedly reassured me that Itama was perfectly alright, and that he, personally, had escorted him back home. He said that it was on the way to the ruined helicopter and he needed to recover that before Kawarama got his hands on the excess fuel in the tank.

While he was busy fretting about the fact that said tank was already missing when he got to the helicopter, I gently detached myself from the situation and went to check on Itama myself.

He was perfect and healthy. He invited me in for a coffee. I went in. We had a lovely time catching up and exchanging information about our hobbies before I had to return to my duties to you, Konoha.

On the way back I received a flyer from the wind. It was about the candidacy for mayor of Kakuzu of Taki, who, as you all know is literally a five hearted zombie. Who cares.

As it is my duty to report all the news I am informing you that he has begun his mayoral campaign.

Which reminds me of the following:

Dear listeners, the report authorities report that writing reports while under the shower is now illegal. Don’t you know that that’s how thoughts get stolen by the water? Not to mention that it makes the report unintelligible and wet.

This was an important thing which I probably should have told you earlier. My bad. To all of you today, writing reports, I hope you weren’t writing reports before hearing it.

 

And now, as all things, it is time for me to leave you, dear Kohona.

Itama is waiting for me at home, and I have to pick up the dinner we ordered.

 

Stay tune next for hour upon hour of the sound of a burning fire and maniacal cackling. Goodnight Konoha, goodnight.

**Author's Note:**

> Mito totally won that fight.


End file.
